The Christmas Story Bleach Style
by Maximoffs forever
Summary: The Birth of Jesus in a thoroughly Bleach way better than it sounds, with Rangiku as Mary, Renji as Joseph and an array of different characters along the way you'll never look at the three wise men in the same way again . And I've corrected spelling!


The Christmas Story – Bleach Style

Okay, this is my first Bleach fic so please be kind.

Ichigo's not in it, or any of his human friends, I don't know why but I suppose because all the characters had been taken, there aren't that many you know, so appologies.

Also, I know that the three wise men were visited by the angel after they saw Jesus but I put it in before because it fitted better so sorry.

And I mean no offence to any Christians or the Bible, hey I'm sure God has a sense of humour!

_Bits in italics are voice overs._

…

_It was a cold and windy night in the Seratai and Rangiku was drinking Sake in the tenth division's barracks. _

"Ohh, ho," she hiccupped. "Maybe I should stop now and go to bed."

Just as she was about to get of the couch, there was a blinding light and an angel appeared before her.

"Hail Rangiku," he said. "I have come with word from the all mighty Go…"

"Kira, is that you?"

"Yes, it's me."

"What are you doing in my room you naughty perv?" she giggled.

"I'm not a perv; I was sent here by God to give you a message!"

"Sure you were, that's what they all say."

"No, really." came Head Captain Yamamoto's voice. "I really did send him to give you a message."

"Okay then, fire away Kira."

"Thank you," he cleared his throat. "Ah hem, Rangiku, God has chosen you to bear his only son, you shall call him Jesus."

"Ewwwww! Do I have to have his kid, I mean he's old and I have a figure to keep!"

"Yes you do."

Rangiku bowed her head and sulked, at that moment there was a knock on her door and Renji came in with a huge pile of paper in his arms.

"Hey Rangiku, my captain told me to give you this paperwork that you have to…oh, hi Kira," He suddenly dropped his paper work and stuffed his hands in his mouth to stop himself from laughing. "What are you doing in a dress?"

"It's a robe," replied Kira. "And I'm here to tell Rangiku that she is going to have a baby and he will be the son of God."

"What?" asked Renji in disbelief. "Who would believe that?"

"Everyone."

"Why?"

"Because it will be a virgin birth."

"Yeah right," muttered Renji.

"What was that?"

"N…n…nothing Rangiku!"

"That's no way to talk about a lady."

"Jeez you're so sensitive!"

"I'm very glad you see that," said Kira. "Because she is your betrothed."

"My what?"

"You know, your intended."

…

"Your fiancé."

"What?"

"Listen Renji, haven't you ever heard of the birth of Jesus? There has to be a Mary and a Joseph and you're the Joseph!"

Renji sighed in defeat. "Why does this stuff always happen to me?"

…

_Nine months passed in which Rangiku had the time of her life bossing Renji around and making him do whatever she liked, but she was disappointed that she couldn't drink Sake._

_At that time an order was issued around the Soul Society that everyone must return to the place where they grew up (they're not 'born' in the Soul Society) so they could be taxed._

_The result was that Renji and Rangiku had to travel back to Rukongai's 78__th__ District, Inuzuri._

_They travelled on a donkey._

…

"I thought I was supposed to be travelling on a donkey."

"You were, but I couldn't afford one, don't you like your steed?"

"No, it's not that, I just find it a little weird to be riding on Captain Komamura's back."

"I don't find it entirely enjoyable my self," came the gruff reply from the wolf like Captain who was on all fours on the ground. "I mean, you are heavily pregnant, with emphasis on the word heavy."

"You should never talk to a woman about her weight Captain." said Rangiku, upset.

"Well, it's just that you are pregnant, and…"

"No, no, it's Okay, you can say it; you think I'm FAT don't you."

With that she burst into tears.

'Geez,' thought Renji. 'And I thought Christmas was supposed to be a time to relax and have some peace and quiet!'

…

_When they finally arrived at Inuzuri it was nearly time for Rangiku to give birth so the couple needed a place to stay and fast._

_They found an inn and knocked on the door._

"Hello," said Renji. "Can you please help us we need a place to stay and…Shuhei?"

"Yes, it's me." Replied the 9th Division's Lieutenant in a board voice, "Can I help you Renji?"

"Well, it's just that we need a place to stay, so can we stay here?"

"Sorry Renji, I'd let you but I've got no room."

"Oh please," begged Rangiku. "We've been walking for hours and my feet are killing me."

"Your feet!" snapped Captain Komamura. "You haven't done any walking, while I've been carrying you for hours!"

"Come on, please Shuhei," cried Renji, grapping the front of his friend's clothes. "They've been like this for the whole trip and a man can only take so much."

"Sorry Renji, I feel for you man, I really do but I just can't help you out."

With that he closed the door.

…

_The young couple carried on their way to find another inn where they could stay._

"Hey, how come you always sat 'the couple'; I'm here to you know!"

_Oh, sorry Captain._

_And so the three friends…_

"Three and a half, you can't forget the baby; he's very important in this story."

_Yes Captain, sorry sir._

_And so the three and a half friends carried on their search to find a suitable inn with room._

_So they arrived at the second inn and Renji hopefully knocked on the door._

"Helloooooooo?" The door opened to reveal a very scary looking Mayuri in the door way with a nervous Nemu hovering behind him (metaphorically speaking of course, she can't really hover, though with Mayuri, you never know). "What do you want; I'm very busy trying to teach Nemu how to float!" (See you never can tell)

"Eh, Captain!" squeaked Renji, automatically taking a few steps back. "I was just wondering if you had any room at your inn?"

"Well of course I do, for some reason, unknown to me; people just don't want to stay here." He thought, stroking his chin and starring of into space. "I wonder what it could be? Anyway," he snapped, returning from his thoughts. "I can give you a room, as long as you don't mind me conducting a bit of research on you during the night, nothing life threatening of course, unless you turn out to be more interesting than I originally thought, and I'll try to keep the pain to a minimum, I tell you what, I'll even try not to disfigure you too badly. I can't say fairer than that!"

"No. no, we're fine thanks, see you later Captain!" yelled Renji from down the road.

_As you can probably guess they all headed for the next inn._

Omaeda answered the door, eating crisps, as per usual.

"Sorry, no room here." He sneered. "All the spare rooms are for my money."

And with that he slammed the door in Renji's face.

_Surprise, surprise, they found themselves out side another inn._

Wearily, Renji knocked on the door and it was opened by Captain Unohana.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"Captain Unohana," sobbed Renji. "You have no idea how happy I am to see you!"

"Careful Lieutenant Abarai; you'll get tears on my carpet." She smiled at him dangerously.

"Ye…yes, of course, sorry Captain!" He retreated a few steps.

"Now what can I help you with?"

"Well you see Captain; Rangiku pregnant and Kira, who's an angel told us that it would be Captain Commander Yammamoto's son, then we had to travel here on Captain Komamura's back, well not me of course but Rangiku…on his back I mean. Then there was no room at the first inn and Captain Kurotsuchi wanted to perform experiments on us, then Omaeda only had room for his money. So we came here and I'm so happy it's you Captain because I'm sure you have room."

"Yes, yes I have room. That's what I said to everyone who came here before you so really you'd have to squeeze in somewhere, I think there's a few centimetres by the wall over there but you'd have to sit on Ukitake's lap though.."

The smile dropped from Renji's face and he rolled around on the floor clutching his head and sobbing wildly.

"I do have a barn you can stay in, it's not the nicest of places but it will give you shelter and with the animals it will be very warm.

"Ewwwwww, a barn," complained Rangiku. "With all those animals and that smell I don't think…"

"We'll take it!" yelled Renji and Captain Komamura.

…

_Meanwhile in a palace in the Seratai, the king was sitting on his throne, board._

"I'm so boarrrrrd!" he said.

"Well maybe we could get you some entertainment," said one of his advisors "What do you think Kaname?" he asked his fellow advisor.

"I think we should enjoy a nice play."

"Now there's an idea!"

"A play with no violence."

"What is it with you and violence, I mean you're a traitorous, deceiving, evil bastard who betrayed his friends and subordinates all in order to gain power. And you still get squeamish over a single drop of blood."

"Violence is wrong, Gin, and I only chose the path that would lead to the least amount of bloodshed."

"Oh, don't give me that, I know you only did it because your girlfriend died, so get over yourself!"

"It is not right to taunt others Gin."

"Oh so what, we're the bad guys here, I can taunt all I want: Kaname's hypocritical and he smells, so suck on that!" he sang in a childish way.

"Honestly Gin, even Yachiru Kusajishi wouldn't sink that low."

"No, she undermines people in much more devious ways, what was her nickname for you again, oh that's right, sorry I forgot _blindy_!"

"Well weren't you called _Smiley_?"

"She used to call me four-eyes." mussed Aizen from his throne. "I miss that."

"Yes I miss her too." agreed Gin.

"Well I don't," said Kaname. "She was annoying and I could never sense when she was around."

"You just don't like her because she didn't like you."

"Oh really Gin?"

"Yes, she told me once 'Gin,' she said. 'I don't like blindy, he's weird and scares me and he doesn't like Kenny!'"

"Well what do you expect of someone from the 11th Division?"

"You two," said Aizen from his throne. "Stop arguing; it's annoying and the story should finally be carrying on in a moment."

"I said THE STORY SHOULD FINALLY BE CARRYING ON IN A MOMENT!"

_Sorry._

"So you should be."

_Yep, anyway, at that moment King Aizen and his advisors were visited by the three wise men who had come a long way, following a star._

There was a knock at the door.

"Finally," sighed Aizen. "Come in, quickly."

The door opened and in came the three wise men.

"Oh my God," said Kaname. "You're the three wise men? What the hell?"

"Sorry if we don't fit your expectations," sneered the tallest of the three. "But we've travelled a long way to see something and we aint' goin' 'till we've seen it!"

"And what is it that you want to see Kenpachi?" asked Gin.

His bells jingled as Captain Zaraki turned to face Gin. "Errrrr, what is it we want to see again?" he asked his companions.

"The baby Jesus," replied Byakuya. "Apparently he's going to be the King of the Souls, that and the Lord of the Dance."

"Oh really?" said Aizen, "How interesting." meanwhile thinking 'How dare he, everyone knows that I'm the Lord of the Dance!'

_Souls._

"What was that?"

_You're the King of the Souls, that's what you don't want baby Jesus to take away from you._

"Oh yes, thanks for that."

"King … Aizen?" asked Kenpachi.

Aizen blinked and looked around; everyone was starring at him.

"Sorry I was talking to the narrator in my head."

"There's…a narrator…in your _head_?"

"Yes, it talks to all of us, you know that."

"Riiiiiiiiight." Kenpachi gave him a strange look and everyone knows that if Kenpachi Zaraki is worried about your mental health then something must be seriously wrong.

"And why are you a wise man Soi Fon?"

"Because I'm here to prove that the Bible was very sexist and I'm here to promote women's rights!"

"Of course," replied Aizen. "Now, when you find this child, please come back and tell me so that I may to go and pay homage to him."

"You want to do WHAT now?"

"Pay homage to him Kenpachi."

"Awww come on, he's only a little baby, you've gotta be a pretty sick bastard!"

"No Kenpachi," said Byakuya. "Paying homage means giving your respect."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh right. Gotcha."

"We will Lord…I mean King, King Aizen." bowed Soi Fon.

_And with that the Three Wise Men departed to seek out their messiah._

"Ohhhhhhh, now I can hear the voice." said Kenpachi. "And here I was just thinking Aizen was loosing his marbles."

"I wonder what gave you that idea?" asked Byakuya sarcastically.

…

_Later that night the three wise men…_

"Wait a second, I'm one of the party and I'm here to promote women's rights, let's have a little less sexism if you please!"

_Right, sorry Soi Fon, anyway, later that night the three wise friends were asleep._

"No, no….stay away from me…I don't want more cake!" muttered Byakuya in his sleep.

"He, he, he…no stop that…no stop it… Lady Yoruichi." Giggled Soi Fon.

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts, bom, bom, there they are all standing in a row, bom, bom, bom, small ones, skinny ones, ones as big as your head." sang Kenpachi.

"Didn't they use that in the Lion King?" asked a recently materialised Kira.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

All three woke up and screamed.

"Help, help!" screamed Soi Fon.

"Shit, it's a pervert!" yelled Kenpachi.

"Bankai!" shouted Byakuya.

"No, no, wait, I'm not a pervert, I'm an angel sent from the big guy Yamamoto."

"Angel my ass!" said Kenpachi. "Where'd I put my sword?"

"It's probably where you left it." replied Byakuya.

"Well where'd I leave it?"

"I don't know." Byakuya narrowed his eyes.

"Well I wasn't expecting you to." Kenpachi growled.

"Well then, why did you ask?"

"It was a rhetorical question."

"I'm amazed that you know such a big word."

"I ain't stupid."

"Really?"

"What was that?"

"Are they always like this?" Kira asked Soi Fon while the others were arguing.

"Oh yes, but I know the only thing that will shut them up."

"Oh?"

"Hey you two, stop arguing like an old married couple, we know you're in love but could you keep it to yourselves; there's no homosexuality, even hinted at, in the Bible!"

"But…"

"We're not…"

They became silent.

"Good, go ahead Kira."

"Thank you, I have to tell you not to go back and tell Aizen where the baby is because he wants to kill it."

"Ha, I knew homage meant something twisted, sounds too much like homicide," he turned to look mockingly at Byakuya. "And you thought it meant worship tuh."

"Well, I have to go and meet some Shepard's on a hill now, busy, busy, busy!"

…

_On a hilltop not that far away, two men were silently watching their flock of sheep and drinking Sake. When all of a sudden the still silence was broken by a scream._

"Wha..oh not again!" groaned a bald man with red eye shadow.

"Lieutenant Kusajishi, come back here now," yelled the man next to him, who had feathers on his face. "No, get down off that sheep at once!"

He was yelling at the little girl, of about six, with bubblegum pink hair, who was riding on a sheep like a bucking bull.

"Yay, yay, yay, huh?" Suddenly the girl saw a blinding flash of white light and was so shocked that she let go of the sheep she was riding on and fell on the ground.

Out of the white light emerged Kira, who floated towards them, trying his best to smile.

"Ahhhhhhhhhh!" screamed Ikkaku. "It's a pervert, quick, protect the Lieutenant!"

"I'm not a PERVERT!" yelled Kira. "I'm an angel…sent from God, here to tell you to go and see the baby that has been born in a barn over there. Go. NOW!"

"And leave Yachiru with you, I don't think so." sneered Yumichika, while he and Ikkaku stood in front of her, shielding her from Kira.

"No, I don't want to be left here with her!" shrieked a terrified Kira. "Please, take her with you!"

…

_Meanwhile, in the barn._

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhhh, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Rangiku what is it?"

"I've got _Dung_ on my _foot_!"

"Oh stop complaining." snapped Renji.

"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh, Ahhhhhhhhhh, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What is it now?"

"The baby's coming."

"Oh…OH, AHHHHHHHH, WHAT DO I DO!"

"Don't worry." said Unohana. "I'll deliver your son safe and sound."

"Hey, he's not mine, I told you; he's head Captain Yamamoto's!"

"Oh, of course, now my dear push."

…

"What is happening in there?" asked a worried Yachiru.

"I don't know," replied Ikkaku. "But it doesn't sound natural."

"Hey, hey, look who it is!" yelled a voice from behind them.

"Kenny!" screamed Yachiru and ran into Kenpachi's arms.

"He, he, miss me kid?"

"Mu hum." she nodded vigorously.

"Captain," exclaimed Ikkaku. "You're a _wise man_?"

"We're wise _companions_!" snapped Soi Fon.

"Oh…Okay."

"Should we go in Kenny?" asked Yachiru.

"No," said Byakuya. "It would be disrespectful if we go in while she's having the child."

"I can't wait to have a baby!" giggled Yachiru.

"You're never going to have one Yachiru." said Kenpachi quickly.

"Why not?"

"Because no man will ever be good enough for you."

Everyone collectively sighed "Ahhhhhhhhhh." In a (isn't that sweet kind of way)

"But I'm not talking about men Kenny I'm talking about babies, what do men have to do with that?"

…

Everyone stood in awkward silence, no on looking at Yachiru.

"Ohhhh," Byakuya let out a hysterical giggle. "He he, listen, she's stopped screaming, we can go in now."

Everyone quickly crowded into the barn where Rangiku sat, exhausted on a pile of hay.

"My, my Rangiku," sniggered Yumichika. "You look, hem, better than usual." Then he burst out laughing at Rangiku whose hair was everywhere, who was covered in sweat and straw and whose eyes were red and tired.

"Oh shut up you narcissist, I'd like to see you go through the same thing and still look immaculate!"

"Where's the baby?" asked Yachiru in an excited shriek.

"In that manger." said Renji pointing to it.

The little Lieutenant bounced over and looked into the manger.

"That's one strange looking baby."

Everyone crowded round.

"That is strange." said Byakuya.

"Yep, I wasn't expecting that." agreed Soi Fon.

"Well I think he's adorable." pouted Rangiku. "Aren't you little baby, aren't you little go-go ba-ba."

"Matsumoto!"

"Yes Cap…I mean, what is it little ba-ba."

"Stop talking to me like a baby, I wasn't born yesterday!"

"No you weren't, you were born two minutes ago."

"Grrrr! Why do I have to be baby Jesus, stupid fate." muttered Toshiro Hitsugaya.

"Baby's aren't supposed to speak." giggled Yachiru.

Toshiro gave her a death glare "Go-go, ga-ga."

"Awwwwwwwwwww." everyone chorused.

…

_In heaven Yamamoto and Kira were looking down on the scene._

"Finally it's over." sighed Kira.

"Yes, but now the main story begins."

"Not for another few years it doesn't, and I don't appear again, the Bible says so."

"Since we have a while to wait would you like some tea?"

"Alright then, after all, I'd better enjoy my peaceful tea times while I can; in another fifty years or so I won't have any peace with Yachiru here, none of us will!"

_And so the story of baby Toshiro's…I mean Jesus' birth came to an end with everyone either in the barn in heaven or in a castle playing chess._

"Wait a second!"

_*Sigh* "What is it Soi Fon?"_

"There are many sexist issues here; I do not appreciate that Mary was the only female mentioned and if men could have children she probably wouldn't have been there. I don't like how even the angel was a man and I don't understand why Jesus had to be a boy! When will people understand that we live in an equal worl…"

"_OH SHUT UP!"_

The End

Hope you enjoyed that very long story, please review as this is my first Bleach fic, I hope I portrayed all the characters right.

If you were offended at all because of your religion or because of your sex, I'm very sorry but I'm a Christian and a female so there!

Oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS!


End file.
